Chapter 9 : Betrayal and Diagnosis

The next day, when Felicia, Rachel and Teresa stood in front of my desk, I can’t help flinching. The smell of glue still lingered in my hair, making me even more frightened.

     “Well, Serena, Teresa has a little trouble going on,” Felicia began, her voice almost a purr. “You’re so kind we thought you could give her a little help…”

     I gulped. That doesn’t sound exactly good, but I reminded myself it was all for myself. “I’ll be very glad to help,” I say, keeping my voice low.

     Rachel’s piercing eyes found mine, as if fixing me in place. “You really think you can do it, Serena? You’re not perfect. At least not anymore.”

     I knew perfectly what they’re doing. They’re testing my loyalty, just like one tests a dog’s. It’s insulting, yes, but I know this is essential for them to accept me, so I nodded. “Whatever you ask.”

     Felicia smiled and put a hand on my shoulder, sending shivers up my spine. I forced myself to stay put, the lingering smell of glue from yesterday stinging my nostrils. “Teresa forgot her lunch money today. Would you give yours to her?”

     Oh no. I have to eat lunch! I’ve always been kind of frail from all the studying. Last time I didn’t eat lunch I almost fainted during French. If I didn’t eat lunch, who knows what will happen. “I can’t,” I said.

     I shouldn’t have said that in a million years. I wished that what happened next never did.

     Ivy stood up. She glared at me, as if I were some criminal so low she can’t bear to even set eyes on. “Serena, I always know you’re weak. See, you promise people stuff and you don’t even make an effort to keep your word. And now you’re bonding with that freak Elodie. To me, you deserve much more then you have now.”

     “Ivy…” I pleaded. I can’t believe she’s doing this. Every word was a knife. She knew my problems, once even gave me some of her own money when I forgot my own. And now…

     She’s on their side too.

     “Serena,” Ivy continued. “Give Teresa your money. Now. Do what’s right.”

     My heart felt shattered into a million pieces. Ivy’s betrayal had cut deep, and now, I have no one to trust.

     I dug out my bills from my pocket and shoved them into Teresa’s hands. Then I run from the classroom, ignoring their triumphant discussion about which ice cream flavor to get with the money.

     I had barely locked myself in a stall in the bathroom before the tears began to fall.

***

     I flunked the test.

     Maybe you would think that 87 is a good score, but I always got more then 95, at the very least. This is the first time.

     It’s probably because my mind can’t think straight because I didn’t eat lunch. But there’s another part. I probably didn’t do my best, as I always did. When I came to some of the harder problems, I just skipped them, not even thinking about them. It felt as if the scores didn’t matter anymore. So, yes. I did expect a slip. But this much?

     Of course, I received much more taunting from my dear classmates. Those who usually congratulated me or looked at me with an expression of respect now turned away or joined those who insulted me without mercy, calling me “freak” “failure” “Elodie’s dog”. And I just sat there, as if accepting it. Part of me screamed for me to fight back, but others seemed to have died completely, agreeing to those insults, as if nothing matters but to fit in.

     When I returned home with the test paper with those crimson red marks, my mother was furious. She shouted at me, threw things at me, her voice shrill, saying it was so stupid to give me all the resources and help, that she should’ve drowned me when I was in a crib.

     And then I seemed to lose control of my body. For the first time, I shouted at my mother.

     “You don’t know anything! You say that they treat me like that for a reason? Well, there is no reason. And you just say that it’s my problem, everything’s my problem. You never ask how I’m doing, never try to help me, just saying! Why can’t you help?”

     Her face was as dark as a storm cloud. “Serena…studying is your own business. I can’t help you.”

     “If you’ve got people bullying you all day, can you get a good score？” My temper flared, and this time I didn’t even see what I was saying is right. “I hate you! You never care about me! I wish I had a different mom!”

     With that, I threw myself into my room and locked the door.

     The next day was a Saturday. I appointed a session of psychological health check without telling my mother. As I sat waiting for the results, I realized how many people are staring at me. Looking around, I saw that many people in this waiting room are so much older than me. Teens at the prime of their years, older men and women at work age, and even a mother holding her child in her arms. And I’m the only 14-year-old.

     The whispers had followed me to this place, but of a different kind. They discussed among themselves, how a girl of such youth could have psychological issues. A young woman, about 20 years old, leaned into the arms of her companion, shaking her head and muttered “What a poor girl.”

     They thought I couldn’t hear them. Alas, I can. I can hear their pitying and sighs, how they marked me as an outsider, someone different——again.

     Finally, my report came out. I trembled a bit as I reached out for it. As I unfolded the sheet, the black words bore into my eyes like ants.

     Low-level depressive disorder.

     The world seemed to be rotating, making me dizzy. I have depression disorder? It seems like a death sentence. For as long as I had lived there’s been news reports about people committing suicide because of this very illness.

     The scary thing is that I don’t know what happens to other patients. Do they lose control of their body? Is that why they took their own lives? Can it be cured? What if I’m hopeless and the illness will take over my whole body? Will I end up like the others?

      I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

      And as my mom says, it’s a terrible thing to not know.